without death there wouldnt be any life, but that doesnt make it easier to accept death. when old people die, its sad but theres still the chance that they lived their lives to the fullest and were happy. i still worry whatll happen when my grandma dies, and i cant imagine life without her. however its a different sadness its less about me or about her, but more about the people around her, my grandpa and my mom. people that were greatly influenced by my grandma and rely on her for support. im not worried about my grandma she found the love of her life, she did things she loved, she has a great daughter, i think shes happy about the way her life turned out. i just hope she isnt too scared, because she knows how the people around her need her to be strong, so they can cope with her illness.
but i think we will be fine, we love her and we will miss her, but we will be fine, remembering her but living our lives. the only person who might die of a broken heart could be my grandpa, but i hope he will manage to be strong, because thats what my grandma would want.
those are deaths that are horrible, but somehow can be dealt with.
much worse are the deaths, that we cant explain and cant understand.
when a child doesnt even have the chance to live a life, to dream and live those dreams, when a child doesnt have the chance to open its eyes.
when no one can explain, why some people live and others die.
those are the deaths that bring us to the depth of our existance and make us doubt life the most. we try to explain life, to discover some kind of logic behind it, but we cant and that destroys us.
happy 18th birthday, big sister. im so sorry i never got to know you, and that i got the chance to live and you didnt. i am so sorry.
i love you, pauline.
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