happy birthday

without death there wouldnt be any life, but that doesnt make it easier to accept death. when old people die, its sad but theres still the chance that they lived their lives to the fullest and were happy. i still worry whatll happen when my grandma dies, and i cant imagine life without her. however its a different sadness its less about me or about her, but more about the people around her, my grandpa and my mom. people that were greatly influenced by my grandma and rely on her for support. im not worried about my grandma she found the love of her life, she did things she loved, she has a great daughter, i think shes happy about the way her life turned out. i just hope she isnt too scared, because she knows how the people around her need her to be strong, so they can cope with her illness.
but i think we will be fine, we love her and we will miss her, but we will be fine, remembering her but living our lives. the only person who might die of a broken heart could be my grandpa, but i hope he will manage to be strong, because thats what my grandma would want.
those are deaths that are horrible, but somehow can be dealt with.
much worse are the deaths, that we cant explain and cant understand.
when a child doesnt even have the chance to live a life, to dream and live those dreams, when a child doesnt have the chance to open its eyes.
when no one can explain, why some people live and others die.
those are the deaths that bring us to the depth of our existance and make us doubt life the most. we try to explain life, to discover some kind of logic behind it, but we cant and that destroys us.


happy 18th birthday, big sister. im so sorry i never got to know you, and that i got the chance to live and you didnt. i am so sorry.
i love you, pauline.

why do we fall in love? or better why do we fall in love with the person we can never have? where is the scientific explanation, the logic, the formula or something of the sort that i can make sence off...
we meet hundreds of people, every day we see new people, why is there this one person then that we cant get out of our heads? surrounded by so many people should make it easier, but it only makes it harder when you realize how many people there are and not one can even come close the boy whos always in your mind, heart and soul...
i get the whole concept of being attracted to guys, because of our instict of mating and letting children loose into the world, but why does there have to be love?
i mean whats the point? sure if youre lucky everythings perfect and your in your beautiful pink bubble, but how many people are lucky? 
arent there so many more people getting hurt than getting to be happy? so how come love is justified?

its monday, the worst day of the week if you ask me. sunday evening i always sit in my bed telling  myself this week will be better and monday night i realize it wont. its all just the same, life just passes by, nothing happens. its all more or less the same, gossip dies and new one comes up and thats it. happiness is still a mystery and love far away. i have my best friend, who always cheerleads for me and tells me everything will be fine and the boy isnt good enough, and i guess shes right. i mean shes always right, so im just going to have to trust her, but it doesnt make life any easier. 
im not saying, that im not happy, i am. i have great friends, i have fun and i dont spend a day without laughing or smiling alot, but having the one boy would make me even happier. and seeing him every day makes it so difficult to forget him.
and telling myself he isnt good enough doesnt help, because when will i meet the next guy who likes me, who thinks im beautiful and likes me for me? 
my best friends keeps telling me, that im beautiful, every day, and it helps, it keeps my confidence up for a while. sometimes i actually believe her, other times i dont. mostly however i just try to walk around like the queen of the world, walking around with a strut (and yes sometimes i do feel utterly stupid, but it helps) and way too much arrogance and i put on the i-dont.care-what-you-think-bacuase-im-awesome attitude. its like an extra piece of clothing i put on, on top of my normal clothing, (which is sometimes i have to admit more or less non-existent, but thats another story) when i get home i pull it off and am the vulnerable little girl full of self doubt and in the morning before i leave the house i put it on, making me feel safe and knowing i can handle the things life throws into my face day after day.