so it's been a long time since i posted in here, i guess that's mostly because i used this blog as a sort of diary, something that i could confide in.
and then i thought, that i didn't need it anymore, because for the first time that i can remember, i am happy, like really happy :)
i have a boyfriend now, and am in love... i'm proud of myself, because i realized sex is the easy part, it's giving your heart to someone, that's the hard part.
it's not only due to him that i'm happy, it's more that along with him everything just sort of fell into place.
i have great friends, that are always there for me and i guess my life is sort of taking its form and starting to make sence.
at least on some level, on the other i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i'm almost finished with school and then there is this greaty empty nothingness that's waiting for me...
so many people already have their life figured out and planned and i'm still sitting here and waiting for some sudden spark of inspiration to hit me. because right now i dont know anything.
sometimes i just want to get out of berlin, just for a short while, and experience some other culture and maybe find who i am. but i dont want to leave my boyfriend, i know they say true love conquers all and distance shouldn't be a problem at least for some time... but to tell the truth i don't want to test it and i guess i don't want to be alone.
so what am i going to do?
at the moment i'm just sort of avoiding and pushing it away, always finding excuses not to think about. like for example using studying as an excuse, which is another point, if i want to stay in berlin and go to college here, i have to have like a perfect gpa and i won't have that..
but i guess i can't avoid it forever
4/14/2013
8/27/2012
8/13/2012
7/11/2012
happy birthday
without death there wouldnt be any life, but that doesnt make it easier to accept death. when old people die, its sad but theres still the chance that they lived their lives to the fullest and were happy. i still worry whatll happen when my grandma dies, and i cant imagine life without her. however its a different sadness its less about me or about her, but more about the people around her, my grandpa and my mom. people that were greatly influenced by my grandma and rely on her for support. im not worried about my grandma she found the love of her life, she did things she loved, she has a great daughter, i think shes happy about the way her life turned out. i just hope she isnt too scared, because she knows how the people around her need her to be strong, so they can cope with her illness.
but i think we will be fine, we love her and we will miss her, but we will be fine, remembering her but living our lives. the only person who might die of a broken heart could be my grandpa, but i hope he will manage to be strong, because thats what my grandma would want.
those are deaths that are horrible, but somehow can be dealt with.
much worse are the deaths, that we cant explain and cant understand.
when a child doesnt even have the chance to live a life, to dream and live those dreams, when a child doesnt have the chance to open its eyes.
when no one can explain, why some people live and others die.
those are the deaths that bring us to the depth of our existance and make us doubt life the most. we try to explain life, to discover some kind of logic behind it, but we cant and that destroys us.
happy 18th birthday, big sister. im so sorry i never got to know you, and that i got the chance to live and you didnt. i am so sorry.
i love you, pauline.
but i think we will be fine, we love her and we will miss her, but we will be fine, remembering her but living our lives. the only person who might die of a broken heart could be my grandpa, but i hope he will manage to be strong, because thats what my grandma would want.
those are deaths that are horrible, but somehow can be dealt with.
much worse are the deaths, that we cant explain and cant understand.
when a child doesnt even have the chance to live a life, to dream and live those dreams, when a child doesnt have the chance to open its eyes.
when no one can explain, why some people live and others die.
those are the deaths that bring us to the depth of our existance and make us doubt life the most. we try to explain life, to discover some kind of logic behind it, but we cant and that destroys us.
happy 18th birthday, big sister. im so sorry i never got to know you, and that i got the chance to live and you didnt. i am so sorry.
i love you, pauline.
7/02/2012
woah i havent posted in ages, cause ive been all over the place! first of all i have summer holidays now, so life is automatically better!
mid june i spent 10 days in the beautiful israel with many friends of mine, but we werent on holiday there, but on a political project which dealt with remembering the german-jewish past and the israel-palestine conflict. it was so interesting and i learned so much not only about the country but also about myself. and we got to know some really nice israelian teens in our age!
more details and pictures will follow!
then i spent the last couple of days at a festival in the east of germany, called fusion! it was so awesome, we had a great time: little sleep, good musik, lots of fun.
and tomorrow morning im off to rome with my mom, when im back more posts will come. hope youre all well and enjoying the summer.
xx
mid june i spent 10 days in the beautiful israel with many friends of mine, but we werent on holiday there, but on a political project which dealt with remembering the german-jewish past and the israel-palestine conflict. it was so interesting and i learned so much not only about the country but also about myself. and we got to know some really nice israelian teens in our age!
more details and pictures will follow!
then i spent the last couple of days at a festival in the east of germany, called fusion! it was so awesome, we had a great time: little sleep, good musik, lots of fun.
and tomorrow morning im off to rome with my mom, when im back more posts will come. hope youre all well and enjoying the summer.
xx
6/01/2012
why do we fall in love? or better why do we fall in love with the person we can never have? where is the scientific explanation, the logic, the formula or something of the sort that i can make sence off...
we meet hundreds of people, every day we see new people, why is there this one person then that we cant get out of our heads? surrounded by so many people should make it easier, but it only makes it harder when you realize how many people there are and not one can even come close the boy whos always in your mind, heart and soul...
i get the whole concept of being attracted to guys, because of our instict of mating and letting children loose into the world, but why does there have to be love?
i mean whats the point? sure if youre lucky everythings perfect and your in your beautiful pink bubble, but how many people are lucky?
arent there so many more people getting hurt than getting to be happy? so how come love is justified?
we meet hundreds of people, every day we see new people, why is there this one person then that we cant get out of our heads? surrounded by so many people should make it easier, but it only makes it harder when you realize how many people there are and not one can even come close the boy whos always in your mind, heart and soul...
i get the whole concept of being attracted to guys, because of our instict of mating and letting children loose into the world, but why does there have to be love?
i mean whats the point? sure if youre lucky everythings perfect and your in your beautiful pink bubble, but how many people are lucky?
arent there so many more people getting hurt than getting to be happy? so how come love is justified?
5/27/2012
5/19/2012
sister
some relationships cant really be explained.
luisa has been there almost since i can remember. before i met her she had had a twin sister, but she didnt make it, so when i met her and her family they sort of adopted me. i spent so much time at her house or she at mine, i witnessed all the horrible family fights and she was part of some of my worst family fights. she was like my sister or at least the way i would imagine a sister.
as we grew older we gew more and more apart, but on the otherhand we grew even closer. i told her some of my most intimate secrets and she came to me seeking a shoulder to cry on and some advice. these moments bonded us for life. but there are also other moments, when i just cant stand her and need my distance from her.
but i know that she will always be a part of my life, shes my sister.
luisa has been there almost since i can remember. before i met her she had had a twin sister, but she didnt make it, so when i met her and her family they sort of adopted me. i spent so much time at her house or she at mine, i witnessed all the horrible family fights and she was part of some of my worst family fights. she was like my sister or at least the way i would imagine a sister.
as we grew older we gew more and more apart, but on the otherhand we grew even closer. i told her some of my most intimate secrets and she came to me seeking a shoulder to cry on and some advice. these moments bonded us for life. but there are also other moments, when i just cant stand her and need my distance from her.
but i know that she will always be a part of my life, shes my sister.
5/13/2012
music
music is something that is always there,
hearing a song which awakes a memory, sometimes theyre sad, sometimes theyre happy, sometimes theyre memories of good-byes or a moment of love.
but whatever the memory is, having a song reminding you of it, keeps it so much more alive.
that is one of things i love about music,
of course there are also the other things, the songs that feel as though they were written for you, about, or just perfectly describe your situation.
and then there is the amazing capability songs seem to have of expressing emotions so much better than anyone can in real life.
a song i love is tracy chapmans fast car, its sad but so beautiful.
i havent heard it for a long time and just now i randomnly found this great cover and just hearing the opening chords automatically made me happy. and i think the way this song is performed on the street really matches it. these guys are really amazing, i love the was they perform.
i know the quality isnt so great, but if you can see past it, its really beautiful and the atmosphere is breathtaking.
hearing a song which awakes a memory, sometimes theyre sad, sometimes theyre happy, sometimes theyre memories of good-byes or a moment of love.
but whatever the memory is, having a song reminding you of it, keeps it so much more alive.
that is one of things i love about music,
of course there are also the other things, the songs that feel as though they were written for you, about, or just perfectly describe your situation.
and then there is the amazing capability songs seem to have of expressing emotions so much better than anyone can in real life.
a song i love is tracy chapmans fast car, its sad but so beautiful.
i havent heard it for a long time and just now i randomnly found this great cover and just hearing the opening chords automatically made me happy. and i think the way this song is performed on the street really matches it. these guys are really amazing, i love the was they perform.
i know the quality isnt so great, but if you can see past it, its really beautiful and the atmosphere is breathtaking.
5/11/2012
disappointment
disappointments always follow us, they will always be a part of our lives, so we learn to live with them. and somewhere inside we learn to expect them, so as not to be surprised by them anymore. but we cant, we cant always expect disappointments, because that would mean that we wouldnt have any hope anymore. and if we dont have any hope, then we dont have anything anymore. so we forget that there will always be disappointments and we enter new relationships with new people, throwing all our heart in these relationships. and we think this time it could be different, but it doesnt matter who the person is, because you will always be disappointed in the worst possible way. at the moment in your life, when you need that person the most, and where a disappointment is most difficult to overcome.
5/10/2012
an evening with friends, just ordering tons of food, watching some movies and talking. sometimes thats all you need, we dont always have to go out partying and drinking, sometimes all you need is an evening with friends and fun conversations.
thank you guys for the great night, it was all that i needed.
thank you guys for the great night, it was all that i needed.
5/08/2012
Short Time Pain - Long Time gain
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all."
- Emily Dickinson
here at last a pciture of my beautiful, beautiful tattoo ♥
5/01/2012
4/22/2012
anyone of you ever had a blind date?
well whoever invented them was a really, really stupid idiot!
you cant make an awkward conversation less awkward, or skale down the huge differences between you, nor can you accept the emergency call from your best friend after half an hour, because it would seem very rude. and since this is a judging world, there is no way that you can seem like a rude bitch.
so blind dates, huh? i just had my worst blind date experience. a guy who i chatted with and who was writing really cute messages to me. everything fine, ecxept i had no idea how he looked or how old he was. but i agreed to meet with him anyway and except for the fact that he spoke with a berlin accent, and really wasnt close to hat at all, it was okay. until the part where took a stroll over a cemetry (!) and he told me, that hes 28! 28!!!!!! hes more than 10 years older me, he was there when the berlin wall went down. hes as old as my best friends mothers boyfriend. when i was 6, he was 18! i couldnt believe it, and from that point on it just got worse, well not literally but for me. it felt so weird and was so awkward. blind dates suck.
and i know its wrong to be so superficial, but i am. i dont want to be, but i cant help it. i agreed to meet a guy for coffee and the guy is 20 and nice, im even having fun with him, but hes not my type, he doesnt have a breathtakingly sexy voice nor does he look like brad pitt. i hate myself for being like that, especially because im not a beauty myself.
why do i make life so much more difficult for myself?
well whoever invented them was a really, really stupid idiot!
you cant make an awkward conversation less awkward, or skale down the huge differences between you, nor can you accept the emergency call from your best friend after half an hour, because it would seem very rude. and since this is a judging world, there is no way that you can seem like a rude bitch.
so blind dates, huh? i just had my worst blind date experience. a guy who i chatted with and who was writing really cute messages to me. everything fine, ecxept i had no idea how he looked or how old he was. but i agreed to meet with him anyway and except for the fact that he spoke with a berlin accent, and really wasnt close to hat at all, it was okay. until the part where took a stroll over a cemetry (!) and he told me, that hes 28! 28!!!!!! hes more than 10 years older me, he was there when the berlin wall went down. hes as old as my best friends mothers boyfriend. when i was 6, he was 18! i couldnt believe it, and from that point on it just got worse, well not literally but for me. it felt so weird and was so awkward. blind dates suck.
and i know its wrong to be so superficial, but i am. i dont want to be, but i cant help it. i agreed to meet a guy for coffee and the guy is 20 and nice, im even having fun with him, but hes not my type, he doesnt have a breathtakingly sexy voice nor does he look like brad pitt. i hate myself for being like that, especially because im not a beauty myself.
why do i make life so much more difficult for myself?
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