is there like this unwritten rule which says guys have to be idiots or is that just my luck in life?
i have the feeling all guys who play a role in my life just arent normal,
like for example my best friend, i love him, i really do, but most of the time i could kill him. when hes talking about my smoking habits, the way i dress, the friends / guys i choose, and it goes on and on and on. and he has these unbearable mood swings, sometimes hes all over me, needing to put his arm around me the whole time and on other days any contact at all is a total taboo.
and now there is this guy and we sort of had something, but that was once upon a time, okay maybe thats a little exagerated but it was about a year ago. now we sort of are friends which is nice in a weird way and im not sure how much i can trust this friendship.
a couple of days ago i couldnt sleep at it was 5 am, so i went on facebook and he was online. so we started to chat and for an hour he tried covincing me in every possible way to come over to his place and continue sleeping there, he was going to call a taxi and pay for it of course and cook breakfast for me in the morning etc etc etc.
i didnt go. i couldnt, it was 5 in the morning i couldnt just leave home to go to some guys house...
he hasnt called/texted/imed me or contacted me in any other way since then.
what is that? probably from your perspective the whole thing just screams, "well hunny, he just wanted sex" which would be normal, i mean hes just a guy, right? but i dont want to look at it from that realistic perspective, the girl in me that sometimes when no one is looking still believes in fairytails, wants to believe that there is more to all of this, that maybe, just maybe he really did want to see me. just me, for who i am. but who am i to expect that, i mean what guy would want a girl just for her personality and not just want the sex part, but the whole thing, with all the drama, the fights, the pain, but also just the holding hands, the right to tousle through her hair, the piggy back rides and the love?
yeah right who am i trying to kid, theres no such thing as that guy.
and how i just found out yesterday theres no such thing as forver in a friendship either.
what do you do, when you find out that your best friend, the person who you were sure was going to be there always and forever, isnt that person anymore? do you try to forget? do you sit in a corner and cry? do you throw a tantrum and refuse to except it? or are you strong? do you smile because youre remembering the good times? do you put it in a box and lable it as a phase of your life? what do you do?
because that is where i stand now. its harder then i expected to actually form these thoughts into words, because this makes the whole situation real. no more pretending that everything will be fine and that its going to work out, just the truth.
i would have trusted her with my life. we havent been close for some time, but somehow i still knew or better thought that no matter what shes still the same person, shes still my best friend and no matter what shed be there. but she wasnt. she betrayed my trust by telling people the one thing i didnt want them to know, that i had sex with him. how could she tell? what else has she told?
so what do you do? if the only thing you face is the truth and the reality of things never being the same again, of having lost the one thing you thought would always be there, what do you do?