maybe i should start of by telling you a little more about myself, before i go ranting on about all the sucky things in my life ;)


so here comes the cliché story about the one guy, that every girl has in her life, who changed her. surprise, surprise i have that guy too, the infamous ex-boyfriend.
once upon a time, there was a girl, me, i had just changed from an ugly duckling okay i wouldnt say into a beautiful swan, but somewhere along those lines. i wasnt the grey mouse anymore, the girl that sat in the back with the too round glasses, who didnt know how to move in her body and was just scared. i had changed. it came over the summer holidays.
i knewthis one guy who was a good friend. secretly, i had had a crush on him forever, and of course he never noticed, knew or cared. i had just started ninth grade and i was learning how to act confidant, i learned how to get good at hiding my fear and uncertanties, so i walked through the world as if i owned it. i dont know, if people really buy it, but i like to think they do. because thats the only way i get by, even now.
so anyway it was a weekend after school started a friend of his was going to throw a back to school party. so the guy invited me to come along, as friends of course. he hadnt seen me since before the holidays. so i said yes.
i close my eyes and i remember that evening as if it were yesterday. i was so excited, i had put on my new swishy blue abercrombie and fitch skirt, that barely covered my butt, with a matching blue tank top that had a lacy cleavage, a pair of almost-see through black tights and cute boots. i put my make-up on, smokey eyes and red/pinkish lips and i put some dkny red delicious perfume on. i was ready to go. i was trembling as i walked down the stairs and further down to the metro where, we said wed meet. i saw him before he saw me, his back was turned to me, to protect himself from the wind and light a cigarette. i gathered all my courage tip toed up to him, and put my arms around his waist, saying "hey" into his ear. starteled he turned around and as if in slow motion i could see him doing a double take, and taking in my body from head to toe ending with my eyes. he just kept looking in my eyes, without saying anything. i started to feel self-conscious again and thought this was a bad idea and just wanted to sink in the ground or run away. but then just by one gesture he made me feel worthy, beautiful and sexy. he stroked a strand of hair out of my face and smiled. then he put his arm around me and we started walking to the party. that was the night everything changed. that was the night i got my first kiss. in my memory the party is just a blur. all i remember is the feeling of the guy always by my side, always some body part touching and those looks i got from him and those kisses. my inside was so warm and i felt as if i could do anything. a couple of weeks later we were a couple, it was one of the happiest times of my life, but at the same time one of the most difficult. even though there were so many happy and beautiful moments, there were also the moments of pure jealousy when he spoke to other girls and my lack of confidance came back up in waves, as well as snapshots of myself, the way i used to be. shame creaping its way into me. deep down i never knew why he chose me, i never understood and i was so scared of him leaving me. but i never showed that, on the contrary i pretended like i didnt care, like he didnt mean that much to me. thinking back that probably made him do all the things he did in later times of our relationship... i didnt fall in love with him because of his looks, but because of his eyes, his smile and just him, just the guy i knew. he changed, after around five months of our happy-go-lucky relationship he changed, at least that was the first time i noticed the changes. he became constantly bad tempered, started to flirt with other girls and he started to pressure me. sometimes i feel so bad, because i think, maybe it was my fault that he changed, maybe it was me who made him do all those things. i wasnt ready for sex, i dont know why, i was in love and happy, but i think in my subconsciousness, was afraid of what would happen after i did it, would he dump me? maybe i was even scared of him. i dont know. but instead of dumping me after, he dumped me before, when i told him i wasnt ready.
was the end of our relationship my fault? i dont know. but i do know that since then i havent trusted any other guy.
was it love? i dont know. but i do know, that ive never felt the same way about any other guy.
so yeah now i'm one hell of a crazy bitch, who doesnt let anything phase her and who keeps her distance, i like to think its his fault.
but maybe thats just me and i would have ended up like this either way? dont know, dont care.
everyone know theres nothing like a bitch, you love to hate.