just saw this today and aint it true?

for my beautiful hannah-banana aka best friend aka roxybaby, thanks for always being there ♥

its monday, the worst day of the week if you ask me. sunday evening i always sit in my bed telling  myself this week will be better and monday night i realize it wont. its all just the same, life just passes by, nothing happens. its all more or less the same, gossip dies and new one comes up and thats it. happiness is still a mystery and love far away. i have my best friend, who always cheerleads for me and tells me everything will be fine and the boy isnt good enough, and i guess shes right. i mean shes always right, so im just going to have to trust her, but it doesnt make life any easier. 
im not saying, that im not happy, i am. i have great friends, i have fun and i dont spend a day without laughing or smiling alot, but having the one boy would make me even happier. and seeing him every day makes it so difficult to forget him.
and telling myself he isnt good enough doesnt help, because when will i meet the next guy who likes me, who thinks im beautiful and likes me for me? 
my best friends keeps telling me, that im beautiful, every day, and it helps, it keeps my confidence up for a while. sometimes i actually believe her, other times i dont. mostly however i just try to walk around like the queen of the world, walking around with a strut (and yes sometimes i do feel utterly stupid, but it helps) and way too much arrogance and i put on the i-dont.care-what-you-think-bacuase-im-awesome attitude. its like an extra piece of clothing i put on, on top of my normal clothing, (which is sometimes i have to admit more or less non-existent, but thats another story) when i get home i pull it off and am the vulnerable little girl full of self doubt and in the morning before i leave the house i put it on, making me feel safe and knowing i can handle the things life throws into my face day after day.

 

thats pretty much it, i miss you.

"Your heart just breaks, that's all.
But you can't judge, or point fingers:
You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."


yeah well, id say that too, if i were audrey hepburn.


but im not, so i can judge and i can point my finger at you and say its your fault.
you made me fall in love with you and i dont know when it happened, was it while we were having one of our long phone conversations? while we were laughing and fooling around? while we were having one of our stupid fights? while you were treating me like i was nothing to you for hours, but then just for a second i caught that look in your eyes, the one that made me feel part of your world, that made me feel like i was everything?
i dont know when i fell in love, but i did.
and it hurts,
but i cant stop
i cant stop talking to you.
i cant stop hoping you feel the same.
i cant stop my heart racing when i talk, laugh and cuddle with you.
i cant stop.
but i wish i could, because you dont appreciate me.

and you dont deserve me.

"There are certain things in life that are better off unknown, things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt." okay so i dont exactly know who said this, but the person was seriously right.
for the first time i realized, there wont be the happily ever after i hoped for, for the first time the reality hit me.
even though for the longest time i pretended that i didnt even know if i wanted the happily ever after with the boy, who makes me feel special, who makes me feel like i am worth more even though he doesnt know me that well, who makes me feel wanted. i knew and so did everybody else (well, that is the two other people, who know abou "us", us, what a joke) that i was kidding myself. of course i want my fairytale ending.
and i thought, hey maybe i found the right boy.
until i realized i didnt.
what can you do when you have this girl in your life, who outshines you, always. 
you arent seen, when standing next to her,
you are ignored, when shes talking,
you are not worth anything anymore, when the boy can have her, instead of you.
and what can you do, when despite all of that, you cant be mad at that girl, because you know her and love her too much.
and you always put her first. as do all the boys and everyone else. 
what can you do, when that girl likes the boy you like?
well you cant have your happy ending,
cause life isnt hollywood.
and the one girl gets every boy and the other girl doesnt get the one she wants.

so what do you do, when you know youre about to fall head over heels in love?
what do you do, when you know there wont be a happy ending?
what do you do, when you realize theres nothing you can do,
when you know all you can do is hope?


if anyone figures that out, please let me know.

and time has passed, so by now ive slept with the guy i told you about before.
and who was i to think, that he was different than all the other guys, he isnt. hes just the same. as soon as he got into my pants, i dont matter to him anymore. he cancels on me like an hour before were supposed to meet and all he can say is, sorry i cant make it, but dont be mad.
oh why would i be mad? but actually he has a point, i dont have a right to be mad, its not like were together. hes just a guy, im just a girl and it was just sex.

Big Jet Plane

so what would life be without a little bit of drama, huh?
i dont know, probably awesome.
i just started 11th grade, now every little thing i school counts, so you dont need a boy messing with  your head right?
yeah well too bad life always gives you what you need the least of all, a cute guy who wants...what exactly does he want? well i have no idea! the only thing i do know, is that he gives me butterflies, if i want them or not.
so im sure you all want to know the whole story if you can even call it a story and if not, then why the hell are you still reading?
so theres this guy who is new in my like year in school, and i hes in my biology and english leistungskurse and in my maths and politics grundkurse, so i see him like a lot. and we mostly sit across from each other and we sort of more or less have this eye contact thing going, then he like started texting me over facebook ( i know, i know facebook, right?! but whatever) and hes being all cute und flirtsy, no details about the subjects we talked about there might be underaged people reading this, haha! and then we liked talked on the telephone a couple of times, for like 1 1/2 hours and it was fun and stuff. if everything was just like that id be like, yeah everythings perfect well see where it goes. but sadly thats not all, first of all hes like perfect and im so not kidding, hes a good student, he plays basketball really well, hes good looking, and hes nice, i mean the really nice kind of way like tutoring people i maths for hours like without expecting money or anything else in return, i mean thats not normal right?! then theres the problem that i cant judge if hes treating me the same as all the other girls he talks to or if he does maybe possibly sort of behave like he could kind of like me, you know? because hes like texting a friend of mine, and she seems to have the impression, that he likes her and ohmygod this is so complicated. anyway thats not all, the biggest problem is that he just came out of this really long intense realtionship with a absolutly beautiful girl and i think he likes her. this is so typical right, im starting to get the feeling that i might be able to trust guys again after my last relationship and i meet a guy i could sort of probably like who like has the same issue that i had for the last months, i mean what the hell? the universe really has a bad sence of humour.
and im scared to like get all over my head in this and then getting hurt again, im scared of not being able to pick myself up again.
i know i should just wait and see what happens, but i dont know if i have the strength inside me to overcome another disappointment, i mean i think that ive finally managed to let my heart heal and i dont know if i can let it break again. i dont wont to be so dependant again and watch myself break.
but is it worth to let the chance of happiness pass, by building a wall around me, as not to get hurt?
and it is just typically me of to read so much into just little acts of someone and to interprete so much into them.
so i guess ill just have to wait and see and when the time comes find the strength to try again and again and again.