so what do you do, when you know youre about to fall head over heels in love?
what do you do, when you know there wont be a happy ending?
what do you do, when you realize theres nothing you can do,
when you know all you can do is hope?


if anyone figures that out, please let me know.

and time has passed, so by now ive slept with the guy i told you about before.
and who was i to think, that he was different than all the other guys, he isnt. hes just the same. as soon as he got into my pants, i dont matter to him anymore. he cancels on me like an hour before were supposed to meet and all he can say is, sorry i cant make it, but dont be mad.
oh why would i be mad? but actually he has a point, i dont have a right to be mad, its not like were together. hes just a guy, im just a girl and it was just sex.

Big Jet Plane

so what would life be without a little bit of drama, huh?
i dont know, probably awesome.
i just started 11th grade, now every little thing i school counts, so you dont need a boy messing with  your head right?
yeah well too bad life always gives you what you need the least of all, a cute guy who wants...what exactly does he want? well i have no idea! the only thing i do know, is that he gives me butterflies, if i want them or not.
so im sure you all want to know the whole story if you can even call it a story and if not, then why the hell are you still reading?
so theres this guy who is new in my like year in school, and i hes in my biology and english leistungskurse and in my maths and politics grundkurse, so i see him like a lot. and we mostly sit across from each other and we sort of more or less have this eye contact thing going, then he like started texting me over facebook ( i know, i know facebook, right?! but whatever) and hes being all cute und flirtsy, no details about the subjects we talked about there might be underaged people reading this, haha! and then we liked talked on the telephone a couple of times, for like 1 1/2 hours and it was fun and stuff. if everything was just like that id be like, yeah everythings perfect well see where it goes. but sadly thats not all, first of all hes like perfect and im so not kidding, hes a good student, he plays basketball really well, hes good looking, and hes nice, i mean the really nice kind of way like tutoring people i maths for hours like without expecting money or anything else in return, i mean thats not normal right?! then theres the problem that i cant judge if hes treating me the same as all the other girls he talks to or if he does maybe possibly sort of behave like he could kind of like me, you know? because hes like texting a friend of mine, and she seems to have the impression, that he likes her and ohmygod this is so complicated. anyway thats not all, the biggest problem is that he just came out of this really long intense realtionship with a absolutly beautiful girl and i think he likes her. this is so typical right, im starting to get the feeling that i might be able to trust guys again after my last relationship and i meet a guy i could sort of probably like who like has the same issue that i had for the last months, i mean what the hell? the universe really has a bad sence of humour.
and im scared to like get all over my head in this and then getting hurt again, im scared of not being able to pick myself up again.
i know i should just wait and see what happens, but i dont know if i have the strength inside me to overcome another disappointment, i mean i think that ive finally managed to let my heart heal and i dont know if i can let it break again. i dont wont to be so dependant again and watch myself break.
but is it worth to let the chance of happiness pass, by building a wall around me, as not to get hurt?
and it is just typically me of to read so much into just little acts of someone and to interprete so much into them.
so i guess ill just have to wait and see and when the time comes find the strength to try again and again and again.

Best Friend

The Clash- Stay Free  

We met when we were at school
Never took no shit from no one, we weren't fools
The teacher says we're dumb, we're only having fun
You know we piss on everyone in the classroom

When we got thrown out I left without much fuss
And weekends we'd go dancing down Streatham on the bus
You always made me laugh got me in bad fights
Play me pool all night smoking menthol

I practiced daily in my room
You were down at the Crown planning your next move
Go on a nicking spree hit the wrong guy
Each of you get three years in Brixton

I did my very best to write
How was Butlins? Were the screws too tight?
When you lot get out were gonna hit the town
We'll burn it fuckin' down to a cinder

'Cause years have passed and things have changed
And I move anyway I wanna go
And I'll never forget the feeling I got
When I heard that you'd got home

And I'll never forget the smile on my face
'Cause I knew where you would be
And if you're in the Crown tonight have a drink on me
But go easy, step lightly, stay free

welcome to the beach, baby

some kodak picture moments... <3

music

love

good times

musical

sweetheart

#

beautiful

cutie:

kay kiddies, so its of to school for me again, tomorrow is my first day of 11th grade.
woop woop. my excitement almost reaches the moon. not. haha.
no okay too much sarcasm for a sunday night, its not that bad to be going back to school, i mean some of my subjects may even be fun, hopefully.
and maybe this yearll be better than last, and maybe this year everythings gonna change. and life may actually make sence.
ah who am i kidding? this depressieve mode doesnt really fit to me, or were you fooled?
to tell the truth i am sorta excited to go back tomorrow, see how the people have changed, hearing all the new gossip and there really are a couple of people who ill be happy to see again, others not so much, but you cant have everything, can you?
but for all you out there who are still on summer break, after tomorrow ill remind you to enjoy every single minute of freedom :D
so theoretically i should be going to bed soon, seeing as i have to get up at 7 am tomorrow, but i dont think thatll work... too bad
sweet dreams

i know the song is horrible, but after hearing it endlessly for 2 weeks you sort of fall in love with it, just the way i did.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emnmSSCvOzo


i just came back from italy. i was.there for two weeks with hannah, it was one of the best times of my life.
i dont know what else to say, there are no words to describe the feelings we had whilst we were there. it felt right. we met amazing people. we had beautiful nights at the beach. we had the funniest moments ever.
all i want is to go back there, with the great people we met there.
because despite what people say, there everything felt okay. you thought that no matter whatll happen its gonna be okay, the people will be there by your side all the way. and you dont have to be alone.


today bakc in belrin at a demonstration for the legalization of weed i saw a person with black shirt with the words "why do the best days always end so fast" on it.
and seeing that i had to think back to our unbelievable time in italy, and the problem is the tshirts right, all the good days and too fast.


the 2 weeks in italy felt more like 2 days. and before leaving i had this panicy feeling of not wantung to go, thinking that if i go, its not going to be the same. and everything is not going to be okay.


the only thing i want is to go back, because why stay somewhere your not happy?

so i havent written anything in like forever but i guess there wasnt anything to write about.
i have summer hols at the moment and all across berlin things are slow and warm and everyone just has the perfect summer feeling, its my favorite time of year.
not a lot has been happening ive been hanging out with a couple of people, but nothing spectaculaire. i acctually really feel bad, because the more time i spend with my so-called friends, i realize how annoying i think they are. is that selfish, and ignorant? probably, but maybe im the problem and i just dont fit in, but whichever way it is. i just dont think i can bare another afternoon with these people, the things they talk about, youd think they are retarded or something. but thats mean, i shouldnt being saying that, because they are good people and they can be really sweet. i guess it just really doesnt fit. but there isnt a lot i can do about it, i mean i cant go to them and tell them to just leave me alone, because it wouldnt be fair and hurt theyre feelings, i think, i hope.
so what do i do? i close my eyes, breathe in and out magically put a smile on my face, smoke a cigarette and try not to think. sometimes it really is relaxing, it gets me out of the reality especially of the reality of my world being so different to theirs. sometimes it just feels good to belong to teh group and pretend like your only problem is whick bikini to wear to the beach.

enough stories of my life, how about some pictures, huh?

 home is where the heart is <3

 my break from the real world.

 love you, daddy

 ♥

 i love berlin.

a kiss to make it last

 wasnt it supposed to be forever?

 welcome to italy

luv ya, xo xo

 a little laughter to forget the pain

 because theres nothing like a best friend

 well hello, beautiful!

 a little bit of freedom, just with you ♥

the word inspiration ist enough to describe this. i love you, jim morrison.

maybe i should start of by telling you a little more about myself, before i go ranting on about all the sucky things in my life ;)


so here comes the cliché story about the one guy, that every girl has in her life, who changed her. surprise, surprise i have that guy too, the infamous ex-boyfriend.
once upon a time, there was a girl, me, i had just changed from an ugly duckling okay i wouldnt say into a beautiful swan, but somewhere along those lines. i wasnt the grey mouse anymore, the girl that sat in the back with the too round glasses, who didnt know how to move in her body and was just scared. i had changed. it came over the summer holidays.
i knewthis one guy who was a good friend. secretly, i had had a crush on him forever, and of course he never noticed, knew or cared. i had just started ninth grade and i was learning how to act confidant, i learned how to get good at hiding my fear and uncertanties, so i walked through the world as if i owned it. i dont know, if people really buy it, but i like to think they do. because thats the only way i get by, even now.
so anyway it was a weekend after school started a friend of his was going to throw a back to school party. so the guy invited me to come along, as friends of course. he hadnt seen me since before the holidays. so i said yes.
i close my eyes and i remember that evening as if it were yesterday. i was so excited, i had put on my new swishy blue abercrombie and fitch skirt, that barely covered my butt, with a matching blue tank top that had a lacy cleavage, a pair of almost-see through black tights and cute boots. i put my make-up on, smokey eyes and red/pinkish lips and i put some dkny red delicious perfume on. i was ready to go. i was trembling as i walked down the stairs and further down to the metro where, we said wed meet. i saw him before he saw me, his back was turned to me, to protect himself from the wind and light a cigarette. i gathered all my courage tip toed up to him, and put my arms around his waist, saying "hey" into his ear. starteled he turned around and as if in slow motion i could see him doing a double take, and taking in my body from head to toe ending with my eyes. he just kept looking in my eyes, without saying anything. i started to feel self-conscious again and thought this was a bad idea and just wanted to sink in the ground or run away. but then just by one gesture he made me feel worthy, beautiful and sexy. he stroked a strand of hair out of my face and smiled. then he put his arm around me and we started walking to the party. that was the night everything changed. that was the night i got my first kiss. in my memory the party is just a blur. all i remember is the feeling of the guy always by my side, always some body part touching and those looks i got from him and those kisses. my inside was so warm and i felt as if i could do anything. a couple of weeks later we were a couple, it was one of the happiest times of my life, but at the same time one of the most difficult. even though there were so many happy and beautiful moments, there were also the moments of pure jealousy when he spoke to other girls and my lack of confidance came back up in waves, as well as snapshots of myself, the way i used to be. shame creaping its way into me. deep down i never knew why he chose me, i never understood and i was so scared of him leaving me. but i never showed that, on the contrary i pretended like i didnt care, like he didnt mean that much to me. thinking back that probably made him do all the things he did in later times of our relationship... i didnt fall in love with him because of his looks, but because of his eyes, his smile and just him, just the guy i knew. he changed, after around five months of our happy-go-lucky relationship he changed, at least that was the first time i noticed the changes. he became constantly bad tempered, started to flirt with other girls and he started to pressure me. sometimes i feel so bad, because i think, maybe it was my fault that he changed, maybe it was me who made him do all those things. i wasnt ready for sex, i dont know why, i was in love and happy, but i think in my subconsciousness, was afraid of what would happen after i did it, would he dump me? maybe i was even scared of him. i dont know. but instead of dumping me after, he dumped me before, when i told him i wasnt ready.
was the end of our relationship my fault? i dont know. but i do know that since then i havent trusted any other guy.
was it love? i dont know. but i do know, that ive never felt the same way about any other guy.
so yeah now i'm one hell of a crazy bitch, who doesnt let anything phase her and who keeps her distance, i like to think its his fault.
but maybe thats just me and i would have ended up like this either way? dont know, dont care.
everyone know theres nothing like a bitch, you love to hate.

well im back from my classtrip, and lets put it this way, it was definatly an experience.
i cant even say how i feel about, if i liked or not. the thing i learned, which i should have known, is that really almost no one cares about the feelings of others. the term friendship, that you use with everyone doesnt have a meaning anymore. everyone is to obsessed in getting what they need most: attention. they dont care if  they hurt other people. im not saying im a saint i have had way to many ego trips to say that. the difference is i learned and i try to think before i act. how can people be friends if they just watch someone get bullied without stepping in?! how can you say the meanest things about your friends behing their back. and i dont mean these normal things that just slip out, i mean the things that are really bad, the things you shouldnt even say about people you dont like. the world we live in is so superficial and everyone gets pulled in. feelings are hid behind a pokerface, it would be a crime to be vulnerable, so just hide all your feelings and emotions. i do that too, and somewhere i am scared of waking up one day and not having any feelings anymore, because we get so good at hiding them, that we cant find them anymore. but how can you trust other people if you dont even know what they feel or think... you cant. that was the lesson i learned on this trip.
but i know that i cant believe in that, i have to believe in more, i have to hope.
because where would we be without hope?

but maybe, forever has a new name. maybe i have found the best friend, thatll last forever. and maybe for me to understand that i just needed to let the old feelings go...
i love you, hannah <3

is there like this unwritten rule which says guys have to be idiots or is that just my luck in life?
i have the feeling all guys who play a role in my life just arent normal,
like for example my best friend, i love him, i really do, but most of the time i could kill him. when hes talking about my smoking habits, the way i dress, the friends / guys i choose, and it goes on and on and on. and he has these unbearable mood swings, sometimes hes all over me, needing to put his arm around me the whole time and on other days any contact at all is a total taboo.
and now there is this guy and we sort of had something, but that was once upon a time, okay maybe thats a little exagerated but it was about a year ago. now we sort of are friends which is nice in a weird way and im not sure how much i can trust this friendship.
a couple of days ago i couldnt sleep at it was 5 am, so i went on facebook and he was online. so we started to chat and for an hour he tried covincing me in every possible way to come over to his place and continue sleeping there, he was going to call a taxi and pay for it of course and cook breakfast for me in the morning etc etc etc.
i didnt go. i couldnt, it was 5 in the morning i couldnt just leave home to go to some guys house...
he hasnt called/texted/imed me or contacted me in any other way since then.
what is that? probably from your perspective the whole thing just screams, "well hunny, he just wanted sex" which would be normal, i mean hes just a guy, right? but i dont want to look at it from that realistic perspective, the girl in me that sometimes when no one is looking still believes in fairytails, wants to believe that there is more to all of this, that maybe, just maybe he really did want to see me. just me, for who i am. but who am i to expect that, i mean what guy would want a girl just for her personality and not just want the sex part, but the whole thing, with all the drama, the fights, the pain, but also just the holding hands, the right to tousle through her hair, the piggy back rides and the love?
yeah right who am i trying to kid, theres no such thing as that guy.
and how i just found out yesterday theres no such thing as forver in a friendship either.
what do you do, when you find out that your best friend, the person who you were sure was going to be there always and forever, isnt that person anymore? do you try to forget? do you sit in a corner and cry? do you throw a tantrum and refuse to except it? or are you strong? do you smile because youre remembering the good times? do you put it in a box and lable it as a phase of your life? what do you do?
because that is where i stand now. its harder then i expected to actually form these thoughts into words, because this makes the whole situation real. no more pretending that everything will be fine and that its going to work out, just the truth.
i would have trusted her with my life. we havent been close for some time, but somehow i still knew or better thought that no matter what shes still the same person, shes still my best friend and no matter what shed be there. but she wasnt. she betrayed my trust by telling people the one thing i didnt want them to know, that i had sex with him. how could she tell? what else has she told?
so what do you do? if the only thing you face is the truth and the reality of things never being the same again, of having lost the one thing you thought would always be there, what do you do?

so you all dont really know a lot about me, okay so from the last two posts you know, that i like fashion, have big mouth and think im the queen of the world.
but what you dont know about me is, who i am when nobody is watching, who i am at my happiest and sadest
moments and what they are. you dont know the part of me that sometimes just wants to give up,but no one knows that part of me.
hannah just started writing a book, she let me read the first couple of pages. it is going to be a huge success someday, you knwo what they say about people, who have rhythm in their blood? well she has writing in her blood.
im so impressed by her, the way shes writing about the feeling that everyone has, just being lost in the world thats out there, not knowing where you belong and what youre supposed to do with your life. im impressed because just like that she can reveal her vulnerability. and that is the most difficult thing that you can do. it makes you a target to be hurt and takes away all your security.
but never the less, she just does it, she just lives and on the way shell learn how to handle her problems and especially her fears. i dont know if i can ever do that, im to scared, hiding behind my image of the bitch everyone loves to hate. i dont want people to know how they can hurt me the worst, because somehow people manage hurting me well without any help of mine, so how would that end?
im scared of living my life, because i dont know if ill make the right choices or not.
im scared of falling in love, because i dont want my heart to be broken.
im scared of trusting people, because i never know when theyll come to stab me in back.
im not just listing these things because i dont know any better, no, these three fears and sadyl their truth are the story of my life.
okay so maybe im exagerating a little, its not like my life sucks that bad, its just, maybe im just a little scared of the person im becoming, because i dont no if i like her.
but why tell you about all of this? well lucky for me, none of you people out there knows me, which makes all of this pretty safe for me. easy.
but dont expect anymore outbursts of feeling or any goodness from my side. no matter how i feel, that is so not me. nothing you can do about it.

just wanted to share the news of the day like one of my best friends, hannah, and me now both have sewing machines and were like so ready to start designing for whats later gonna be the hottest new fashion lable in the country. so wait and be excited for the pictures that will be flying in with are awesome clothes.
were only missing a name, ideas?!




.

 

and while were talking fashion, i got this new vintage bag from mauerpark on sunday ( if you ever go to berlin, you have to go there!!) the guy at the stall wanted to have 50 euros for, which i was so not ready to pay but lucky for me, i quote: "because you are so pretty you get it for 15!" well that made my day ;) a statement i can totally live with. and i am absolutly in love with this bag!
so happy me :)

well todays my last day with my parents before they go on theyre relxation or something trip for a week, which makes this day more or less perfect, just gonna continue drinking spritz with my mom on the balcony read the girly magazines or the book i am just reading, "an expensive education" from nick mcdonell, which btw is really really good. and just chill before  four solemn days of partying start.
at the moment i sort of really like my life but as i have already realized that feeling never stays to long, so better enjoy it while you can.
oh except you know my question down there about sex, well the reason i asked that question aka the guy i sort of had sex with twice, which really let me tell you was like so a not a good idea if the frist time already sucked, but not the point. well he makes me ask another question, why do most guys not get the friends part, like in being able to be friends after sex, not less and so not more or even in the friends with benefits it doesnt only have to be benefits part, the friend part can be really good to, you know?!
so i like sorta wrote the guy a happy birthday and in the same sms wished him luck with his new girlfriend, very friend-like, huh?, so and he just doenst answer for liek four straight days. and then he decides to answer at like one in the morning with not only one sms where a what are you doing now was included, no there were also 4 missed phone calls attached as i saw when i was awake the next day!


what is it with guys?? i miss the normal part and what happened to good old romance? not that im always a fan, sometimes you just need other things ;) but that doesnt mean it shouldnt just not exist anymore. or is that just me??


well thats it for now, got some weird strings of thought in my head that would just get way to confusing, ill try to swith that off!


oh and ps: if youre wondering while all the apostrophes, capitals and such are missing, lets just say i think theyre a little overrated.


take care, xxx